Whoops

I drew this awhile back and thought I'd turn it into a little story.

Colors Sketches

A few weeks ago I borrowed a Ninentdo DS and over a weekend, I did these sketches using a painting program called Colors.





My daughter even took a stab at it.

Drawing Under the Influence

My brother sent me this blog awhile back and it has some great reference of people "driving" their cars. It's interesting to see how the motor cars match the personalities of their conductors. Although, it's kind of frightening to see what people do and look like while driving. What's even more scary is to think there's a nut out there taking pictures of us.

Living Life or Procrastination?

Our Typical Saturday or All in a Saturday's Work?

At our house, Saturday is the day that we run all our errands, since the rest of the week is filled with us unwilling to leave the house.

Every Saturday, I like to treat my family to a nice breakfast. So we were off to The Marriott, where we enjoyed their continental breakfast. We're fortunate to live close to an area where there are several hotels in the vicinity. It gives us variety and it also helps with raising suspicion with the other hotel chains. After we filled our stomachs and our pockets, we fled the premises as the hotel manager chased us with a torch and pitchfork. He bid us farewell with the usual cursing and something about the cops, but we figure he says that to all his guests. Customer service is a sign of a good establishment, that's why we give them our business.

Then it was time to go to the library. Like my brother says, "You're never poor when you have a library card." Well, since my card was revoked, we just sit outside and watch others walk out with their bags full of media in hopes that someone might drop something. When we did have a card, I used to go to the reserved section and just take things that others had put on hold. That's how I was able to read all the Harry Potter books before most of the other library patrons. I guess you're not supposed to do that and it's cause for card revocation.

By midday we were pretty hungry again and we were running low on fuel, and there's no better place to fill your gullet and your gas tank, than at Costco. It's nice, because the parking lot lines are double wide, which makes it easier to siphon. Then it was inside to take advantage of the free samples. We slipped by the guy in the wheelchair checking membership cards and roamed every aisle, eating to our hearts content. It was a smörgåsbord of delicatessens. Pizza bites, fish sticks, chicken nuggets, cheese, crackers, and little smokies. It's like Chuck-A-Rama without the elderly. We don't like to do all our shopping at Costco, but there are certain items we like to get in bulk, like toilet paper. So we raided the restrooms and we were out the door.

You know, it wouldn't be a Saturday without a trip to our nearest home improvement center, so we hit the freeway to pick up our final odds and ends. Pickin's weren't too bad, we were able to salvage several ladders, two semi soiled mattresses, and assorted bungee cords.

We ended the day by relaxing in front of the TV and watched the end of the games of the XXIX Olympiad. That didn't last long since our neighbor caught us peering through the venetian blinds at their TV with our binoculars. Luckily, the houses where we live are really close together, so we simply went to the other window and had to settle for watching the 2008 Roofball World Championships. It's basically like watching the Olympics, but without Bob Costas.

An Ode to Bounty Hunters or A Nimrod's Piece?

If you're like me, about five feet seven inches and a buck forty, then you probably have the utmost respect and admiration for bounty hunters. For a reasonable price, these men, women, and aliens risk their lives day in and day out in order to rid the world of the slime of humanity. And in their honor, I give you:

An Ode to Bounty Hunters

Bounty hunters catch criminals.
It's a difficult task.
For monetary reward.
That's all that they ask.

There's robots and monsters.
Humans hunt too.
For all you Bounty Hunters.
This one's for you.

We have hunters named Bossk.
And hunters named Dog.
Some travel in space ships.
While others ride hogs.

Some hunters wear helmets.
And are usually bold.
And who could forget, the hunter named Fett.
Who put Captain Solo in the cargo hold.

Now these guys are good.
They get the job done.
But there's still another hunter.
Who's my number one.

To find an outlaw.
It's an outlaw one calls.
To his friends he's called Lenny.
But to you, it's Leonard Smalls.

He rides on a Harley.
On his belt, an infant's shoe.
To be hard on the little things.
He sports a shotgun or two.

Finds babies on occasion.
So if you're in a rut.
He'll track those who took him.
And also kick their butt.

But heed this warning.
Don't stiff on the bill.
Because if you don't pay up.
The market sure will.

If there's one thing to learn.
From the epitome of sin.
It's when you crush white trash with a bear hug.
Watch for the grenade pin.

So thank you to those.
You heroes unsung.
For finding the fugitives.
With only a gun.

Vaya con Dios.

Kim, Grace, & Cary

My Dinner with Dell or was it?

Every night at about 1am I reach a depth of unconsciousness known as rapid eye movement, or R.E.M. sleep, which is a status of sleeping that allows me to dream, according to Star Trek TNG anyway.

I dream in all sorts of formats and aspect ratios. Letterbox, pan and scan, black and white, Technicolor©, Cinemascope. My dreams have even been animated, live action, and most recently motion capture. Those haven't been as successful as past dreams and frankly quite creepy, but my dreams try to keep up with all the technological advances.

The following story took place in my sub conscious, any similarity to persons living or dead is purely coincidental.

I've usually found that my dreams are greatly influenced by what I watched or experienced before I retire to bed, but this dream, I can't explain because it stars this guy:



Which is odd, since I haven't seen or heard this quiet, soft spoken person in a long time. Well, every good story has a hero, that's me, and in many stories, there's a MacGuffin, that's a DVD/VHS dual player. In my dream, for some reason, I was trying to find one. Apparently, the man with the answer to my quest, was Dell. So, I set out to find him.

Upon arriving at his home, which was easy to find since it was advertised on a billboard, I found it surrounded by a giant gate with a sign that said, "Neverwasaland," (which is obviously stolen from Peter Pan who stole it from Michael Jackson's ranch, if I have my history correct) with another sign below that one which read, "No Questions." Immediately, I was disappointed, since I thought Dell had the answer I was looking for. The large estate, was what you would imagine any retired computer entrepreneur would have, horse stables, a five car garage, swimming pool, tennis courts, and a corner that resembled a stone castle wall that he let young film makers use as a set for their student films.

Just my luck, there happened to be a group of film students entering the gates of the compound getting ready to shoot a scene for their movie. I quickly shuffled in with the crowd and onto the set. As soon as the coast was clear, I B-lined it to the front door and went inside. There, I was greeted by none other than Dell Schanze. He asked who I was, and I told him. He didn't seem to be impressed and offered me a drink of some substance that was in a square bottle. I was hesitant to partake since he was acting drunk and had two of these bottles in each hand and was downing them simultaneously. Then I saw the label on the bottle, it was Mountain Dew. He had taken old liquor bottles, washed them out, filled them with soda pop, and put his own labels on them. Apparently, the Mountain Dew had the same effect on him as the most potent liquor would have on your average raving alcoholic. Realizing that I wasn't in any real danger in drinking his soda, I tried to show him that I had some class by saying, "Fish swim, but I drink." Which didn't make sense but, for some reason, I thought was clever. It impressed Dell enough to have him give me a tour of his house.

After the tour, he invited me to have dinner with him, where I sat alone at a giant table. He served me a cereal bowl filled with corn, rice, and was swimming in ranch dressing. He left the room and I tried a bit, just to be polite. I promptly spit it out and dumped it in a trash can that was labeled, "Leftovers." I looked inside only to find that this can was filled with this slop. I dumped it in and waited for Dell to come back. When he did, I decided that I had had enough, no more Mountain Dew, no more tours, and no more dinner. I asked him my question, I said, "Dell, where would I find a reasonably priced DVD/VHS dual player?" He looked up, stared at me a moment, opened his mouth, and then...

I woke up.

Winner or Loser?

Well, people keep asking me, wanting to know whether or not I won the Indiana Jones look-a-like contest. Here's what happened, between the time I sent in the picture and the time I was supposed to hear the results, I didn't get a wink of sleep. To pass the time, I ended up doing what I do best, that's watch TV. As I anxiously waited by my email for the news, I began by watching HGTV, where every show consists of some decorators using tubes of adhesive to glue crud to the walls after adding a coat of paint, laying down a cheap rug, and opening a window. I tell you, those guys are miracle workers. After the 20th hour of watching I was inspired to make a difference in the world, and decided I would boost the economy by shopping. There's no better time to spend money than at three in the morning, when I'm most vulnerable, watching infomercials. I tell ya, that guy with the mustache can sell anything, he was so loud I could still hear him with the TV muted.

After helping others by increasing my consumer debt, I thought that I deserved to help myself. So I ended up watching this show where this well dressed guy and this stylish gal teach you how to be like them, in other words, a better person. I figured this was just what I needed since I hadn't changed my clothes or taken a shower in over seventy-two hours. The way this couple would help others was by informing the candidates that they were ugly and then purchased said people new clothes. They were onto something, I knew there were a lot of ugly, poorly dressed people out there, but thank goodness for these kind hearted souls who shamelessly throw away the entire wardrobe of the participants and insult them back into looking good. It's a slow process, but I guess you just have to take it one at a time, that's my motto.

With my spirits soaring high, I moved onto prime time, where every show includes a Brit and two other washed up celebrities telling contestants, who subject themselves to humiliation, how bad they are at what they do. This boosted my self esteem to see others subject themselves to such ridicule for their fifteen minutes of fame.

With this natural high, bed sores, and blood shot eyes, I felt I could accomplish anything. I felt like I could rearrange my living room, buy an entire new wardrobe, and was willing to sing a song on stage for all America to hear. I thought that nothing but good news would come my way. But then, I was in for a huge let down...



Four days and three maxed out credit cards later, the wait was finally over, and unfortunately I did not win the contest. It wasn't a total loss, I am now the proud owner of twenty blank BETA tapes, a home cow slaughtering kit, a five gallon vat of goo that can remove any stain or be used as a substitute for shortening, some collectible potato chips shaped like the Muppets, and a DVD box set of C-SPAN.

Although I didn't win the contest, I feel I still came out on top.

Indiana Jones and the Cooky Crystal Cranium Caper

I could sum up my opinion of Indy IV by saying, let's have less yacking and more whip cracking.

Outatimelapse

Andyana or Indiana?

As I was taking my morning constitutional to work the other day, thinking about how I could use the word "reckon'"more in every day conversation, I passed a group of graphic design students. I could tell they were graphic design students because they sported bald heads, ribbed black turtlenecks, khaki pants, thick rimmed glasses, and they corrected me when I mispronounced "Helvetica." As they drank their coffee and clicked away on their Mac powerbooks, I noticed one of the screens had an advertisement for a radio contest. This is how I usually keep up on current events by looking over their shoulders at their screens. The contest mentioned that the winner would get two tickets to see Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull two days before it opened. What the contest entailed was that the participant would have to dress up like Indiana Jones, take a picture, and submit it for ridicule by those ever so clever radio DJ's. I figured since I've always liked Indiana Jones and since I had as good a chance as any to win and since the deadline was that day, and since my coat was caught on something, I decided to enter the contest.

I quickly started a riot by whispering that PC was better than Mac, grabbed a computer and went straight to the internet. Since I wasn't wearing an Indy costume and I didn't have a camera, I googled "Indy costume" and came up with this guy:

I figured that the costume was spot on, but decided the face wasn't as handsome as it could be. I quickly used my mad Photoshop skills and was able to piece together a likeness of me, mainly from photos of Neil Patrick Harris and a Mogwai. To resemble main stream movie posters, I threw in a lens flare and some product placement for good measure. Plus, I figured if some of these big companies got a hold of this image, I could sit back and watch the royalties come pouring in. At the very least, it would boost my chances of winning.

After two hours, I noticed that the fighting was starting to die down. I hurriedly sent the picture, freed my coat, and was on my way. Had I had more time, I would have liked to compose a shot more along these lines.

Perhaps next time. But I reckon' I have a good chance of winning, I reckon'!

May Day or Dax Day?

I've been thinking a lot about dogs lately. I tend to think a lot in general, it's a habit I picked up around the same time I started eating. It's hard to not think about dogs living where I live because they're everywhere up here in Oregon. There seems to be two dogs to every person. It's like I'm in South America all over again, except the dogs here are on leashes, none of them are malnourished, and, for the most part, appear petable because they're not losing their hair to some flesh eating disease.

I too had a dog once, her name was Dax and today is her birthday. This illustration is typical for any walk we would ever go on.


She was a good dog and I would say we were good friends too. Some compared us to Scooby and Shaggy, except Dax never spoke English, I don't eat dog treats, solve crimes, or have bad posture. So, we really weren't anything like Scooby and Shaggy, I don't know where people got that idea.

Today I give a shout-out to Dax even though shout-outs are number 5 on my top 5 things that I hate. Right after people who lick their fingers to turn pages in books. I'll tell you what the top three are later, I haven't quite figured those out yet, I just put these lower on the list since I'm sure there are things I hate worse than those. But here's a shout-out to Dax even though you're gone, you can't read, and you don't have internet access. I love you Dirl.

My Birthday or Babs' Birthday?

As I strolled the streets of Portland on the way back from my delicious Mexican birthday lunch, I passed this sign that was sitting on the outside of a used bookstore. I tried to photoshop out the streamer that was blocking the "T" on the sign, but didn't do a very good job. Yes, I share a birthday with Barbra Streisand. This inspired me to research the other greats and events that occurred on my birthday. So I turned to the most reliable source on the internet, Wikipedia, and found, perhaps, some of the reasons that make this day so much more special. Besides Babs being born, other entertainment geniuses included actress Shirley MacClaine, Director Richard Donner, funny man Cedric the entertainer, and American Idol winner Kelly Clarkson. Indeed, I feel fortunate to have been born on the same day of such entertainment giants. On this day in 1967 Cosmonaut Vladimir Komarov died in Soyuz 1, the first human to die during a space mission. And who can forget that glorious day in 1990 when Gruinard Island, Scotland was officially declared anthrax free after being quarantined for 48 years.

Not only did this trip down Wikipedia memory lane make my birthday a success but was further enhanced by what really matters, presents. This year I was given a new BBQ grill. Since my previous grill of 15 plus years was cremated due in part to chipping paint and my negligence, it was time to upgrade to a more reliable piece of flesh charing equipment. Although the new grill lacks the years of flavor that the old one had embedded in its meat juiced soaked lava rocks, the new one will serve just fine. I also got a Waist Trimmer.


I think I fit the "most" category.

I also received two gifts that were a nice thought, but are nonreturnable since we don't have the receipts. So if anyone is interested, I have a bag of teeth and a slightly used hobo that I'm willing to part with for a reasonable price. The bag of teeth comes with a certificate of authenticity from the tooth fairy, which could possibly be a forgery, I'm not sure. I was thinking of putting the bag under a pillow and make a fortune, considering what the tooth fairy is paying out these days for teeth, but I figured what good would that do if the tooth fairy is trying to liquidate her surplus. The hobo, again a nice thought but is not working out. He just sits outside our front door and steals all the phone books that are left outside. That's nice, since we seem to get a new phone book once a week, but he also takes our neighbor's and any hang tag coupons we get for the local Chinese takeout restaurant. So if you're interested, we're willing to part with these two items.

Anyway, thanks to all who made my birthday a very special day.

Riding the MAX

I ride the train to work each day, so it allots for some sketch time.

Key Largo

I watched Key Largo the other day and found these characters and this prop interesting inspiration.

Oldies

I did these a while ago, and just found them.

Sam

I watched the Ken Burns documentary about Mark Twain the other day and did this sketch on a post-it as I watched it.