Thursday, May 29, 2008

Winner or Loser?

Well, people keep asking me, wanting to know whether or not I won the Indiana Jones look-a-like contest. Here's what happened, between the time I sent in the picture and the time I was supposed to hear the results, I didn't get a wink of sleep. To pass the time, I ended up doing what I do best, that's watch TV. As I anxiously waited by my email for the news, I began by watching HGTV, where every show consists of some decorators using tubes of adhesive to glue crud to the walls after adding a coat of paint, laying down a cheap rug, and opening a window. I tell you, those guys are miracle workers. After the 20th hour of watching I was inspired to make a difference in the world, and decided I would boost the economy by shopping. There's no better time to spend money than at three in the morning, when I'm most vulnerable, watching infomercials. I tell ya, that guy with the mustache can sell anything, he was so loud I could still hear him with the TV muted.

After helping others by increasing my consumer debt, I thought that I deserved to help myself. So I ended up watching this show where this well dressed guy and this stylish gal teach you how to be like them, in other words, a better person. I figured this was just what I needed since I hadn't changed my clothes or taken a shower in over seventy-two hours. The way this couple would help others was by informing the candidates that they were ugly and then purchased said people new clothes. They were onto something, I knew there were a lot of ugly, poorly dressed people out there, but thank goodness for these kind hearted souls who shamelessly throw away the entire wardrobe of the participants and insult them back into looking good. It's a slow process, but I guess you just have to take it one at a time, that's my motto.

With my spirits soaring high, I moved onto prime time, where every show includes a Brit and two other washed up celebrities telling contestants, who subject themselves to humiliation, how bad they are at what they do. This boosted my self esteem to see others subject themselves to such ridicule for their fifteen minutes of fame.

With this natural high, bed sores, and blood shot eyes, I felt I could accomplish anything. I felt like I could rearrange my living room, buy an entire new wardrobe, and was willing to sing a song on stage for all America to hear. I thought that nothing but good news would come my way. But then, I was in for a huge let down...

Four days and three maxed out credit cards later, the wait was finally over, and unfortunately I did not win the contest. It wasn't a total loss, I am now the proud owner of twenty blank BETA tapes, a home cow slaughtering kit, a five gallon vat of goo that can remove any stain or be used as a substitute for shortening, some collectible potato chips shaped like the Muppets, and a DVD box set of C-SPAN.

Although I didn't win the contest, I feel I still came out on top.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Indiana Jones and the Cooky Crystal Cranium Caper

I could sum up my opinion of Indy IV by saying, let's have less yacking and more whip cracking.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Monday, May 12, 2008

Andyana or Indiana?

As I was taking my morning constitutional to work the other day, thinking about how I could use the word "reckon'"more in every day conversation, I passed a group of graphic design students. I could tell they were graphic design students because they sported bald heads, ribbed black turtlenecks, khaki pants, thick rimmed glasses, and they corrected me when I mispronounced "Helvetica." As they drank their coffee and clicked away on their Mac powerbooks, I noticed one of the screens had an advertisement for a radio contest. This is how I usually keep up on current events by looking over their shoulders at their screens. The contest mentioned that the winner would get two tickets to see Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull two days before it opened. What the contest entailed was that the participant would have to dress up like Indiana Jones, take a picture, and submit it for ridicule by those ever so clever radio DJ's. I figured since I've always liked Indiana Jones and since I had as good a chance as any to win and since the deadline was that day, and since my coat was caught on something, I decided to enter the contest.

I quickly started a riot by whispering that PC was better than Mac, grabbed a computer and went straight to the internet. Since I wasn't wearing an Indy costume and I didn't have a camera, I googled "Indy costume" and came up with this guy:

I figured that the costume was spot on, but decided the face wasn't as handsome as it could be. I quickly used my mad Photoshop skills and was able to piece together a likeness of me, mainly from photos of Neil Patrick Harris and a Mogwai. To resemble main stream movie posters, I threw in a lens flare and some product placement for good measure. Plus, I figured if some of these big companies got a hold of this image, I could sit back and watch the royalties come pouring in. At the very least, it would boost my chances of winning.

After two hours, I noticed that the fighting was starting to die down. I hurriedly sent the picture, freed my coat, and was on my way. Had I had more time, I would have liked to compose a shot more along these lines.

Perhaps next time. But I reckon' I have a good chance of winning, I reckon'!

Thursday, May 01, 2008

May Day or Dax Day?

I've been thinking a lot about dogs lately. I tend to think a lot in general, it's a habit I picked up around the same time I started eating. It's hard to not think about dogs living where I live because they're everywhere up here in Oregon. There seems to be two dogs to every person. It's like I'm in South America all over again, except the dogs here are on leashes, none of them are malnourished, and, for the most part, appear petable because they're not losing their hair to some flesh eating disease.

I too had a dog once, her name was Dax and today is her birthday. This illustration is typical for any walk we would ever go on.

She was a good dog and I would say we were good friends too. Some compared us to Scooby and Shaggy, except Dax never spoke English, I don't eat dog treats, solve crimes, or have bad posture. So, we really weren't anything like Scooby and Shaggy, I don't know where people got that idea.

Today I give a shout-out to Dax even though shout-outs are number 5 on my top 5 things that I hate. Right after people who lick their fingers to turn pages in books. I'll tell you what the top three are later, I haven't quite figured those out yet, I just put these lower on the list since I'm sure there are things I hate worse than those. But here's a shout-out to Dax even though you're gone, you can't read, and you don't have internet access. I love you Dirl.