Winner or Loser?

Well, people keep asking me, wanting to know whether or not I won the Indiana Jones look-a-like contest. Here's what happened, between the time I sent in the picture and the time I was supposed to hear the results, I didn't get a wink of sleep. To pass the time, I ended up doing what I do best, that's watch TV. As I anxiously waited by my email for the news, I began by watching HGTV, where every show consists of some decorators using tubes of adhesive to glue crud to the walls after adding a coat of paint, laying down a cheap rug, and opening a window. I tell you, those guys are miracle workers. After the 20th hour of watching I was inspired to make a difference in the world, and decided I would boost the economy by shopping. There's no better time to spend money than at three in the morning, when I'm most vulnerable, watching infomercials. I tell ya, that guy with the mustache can sell anything, he was so loud I could still hear him with the TV muted.

After helping others by increasing my consumer debt, I thought that I deserved to help myself. So I ended up watching this show where this well dressed guy and this stylish gal teach you how to be like them, in other words, a better person. I figured this was just what I needed since I hadn't changed my clothes or taken a shower in over seventy-two hours. The way this couple would help others was by informing the candidates that they were ugly and then purchased said people new clothes. They were onto something, I knew there were a lot of ugly, poorly dressed people out there, but thank goodness for these kind hearted souls who shamelessly throw away the entire wardrobe of the participants and insult them back into looking good. It's a slow process, but I guess you just have to take it one at a time, that's my motto.

With my spirits soaring high, I moved onto prime time, where every show includes a Brit and two other washed up celebrities telling contestants, who subject themselves to humiliation, how bad they are at what they do. This boosted my self esteem to see others subject themselves to such ridicule for their fifteen minutes of fame.

With this natural high, bed sores, and blood shot eyes, I felt I could accomplish anything. I felt like I could rearrange my living room, buy an entire new wardrobe, and was willing to sing a song on stage for all America to hear. I thought that nothing but good news would come my way. But then, I was in for a huge let down...



Four days and three maxed out credit cards later, the wait was finally over, and unfortunately I did not win the contest. It wasn't a total loss, I am now the proud owner of twenty blank BETA tapes, a home cow slaughtering kit, a five gallon vat of goo that can remove any stain or be used as a substitute for shortening, some collectible potato chips shaped like the Muppets, and a DVD box set of C-SPAN.

Although I didn't win the contest, I feel I still came out on top.