The Thumbnail

The African Queen

Oedipus and the Sphinx

Once there was a smart aleck Sphinx who sat on top of a giant rock and made weary travelers who wanted to enter the city of Thebes answer a riddle. If they couldn't answer the riddle, she would eat them. She thought she was pretty funny.

The people of Thebes, on the other hand, didn't have much of a sense of humor. Mostly because they were hungry and they were too frightened to leave their city.

One day, a man by the name of Oedipus was traveling the road to the city of Thebes. The guards saw him coming, and although they were highly trained in advanced weaponry and could easily thwart off the Sphinx, they decided to just stand there and watch. Unlike the rest of the townspeople, the guards thought it was funny when people got eaten. Mostly because it wasn't them.

As Oedipus approached the rock, the Sphinx swooped down from the sky. Alighted on her rock, she posed the riddle to Oedipus. "What are three silhouettes you can place in a cloud bubble?"

Oedipus thought about it as she closed in for the kill.

Just as the Sphinx was about to strike, he answered, "A man."

This was the first time the Sphinx had ever heard the punch line to her own joke. Although it wasn't funny, she laughed so hard, it knocked her off her rock and she fell into the sea. The townspeople made Oedipus the new king of Thebes where he did a stand up routine every Saturday night. He was given the bums rush shortly thereafter when they found out where the hack stole his material from.

Dem Apple Pies

Many people don't know this, but the Greeks invented everything. If you think you're original, guess what, you're not, the Greek's beat ya to it. This however, is the story of how some hungry selfish people came together.

This is Atalanta when she was young. She loved to hunt, but she was never any good at it. So her parents encouraged her to hunt apples since they didn't move all that much. Atalanta would only hunt "Dem" apples, because they were the best apples in all the land. Much better than Fuji or Gala apples.

As Atalanta grew, she found that she was much better at baking pies, Dem apple pies to be precise, but there was a problem. There was a shortage of Dem apples since Atalanta was constantly hunting apples, baking pies, and keeping them all for herself. By the way, Greek's came up with apple pie. This made everyone mad that she wouldn't share. Atlanta then told her parents she would race anyone for Dem apples and if she lost, she would bake and share her pies. Atalanta's parents didn't really care at this point. They were sick of her complaining and just wanted her out of the house.

This is Aphrodite, the goddess of love. Love for Dem apple pie that is. There's one problem though, she can't bake "Worth" beans. "Worth" beans were the best beans in all the land, regardless; beans just don't taste good in pies. All she does is sit on top of Mount Olympus and get mad at people who were better than her. She was especially mad at Atalanta since she was winning every race, baking Dem apple pies, and not sharing with anyone. So Aphrodite hired Cupid the bounty hunter to go find someone who could beat Atalanta in a race.

This is Hippomenes. He's tall, smart, and one of the few likely candidates that could win Atalanta in a race. Oh, did I mention he also loves Dem apple pie? There was one problem; he didn't have any of Dem apples to enter the race with. Cupid told Hippomenes that Aphrodite would supply the apples if he ran the race for her. He further told him if he won, she would split the winnings with him fifty fifty. Hippomenes agreed to the proposition, but Cupid doesn't take crap from nobody, and shot him with one of his mind-altering serum tipped arrows.

Hippomenes went to see Aphrodite who gave him three of Dem apples so he could enter the race.

Atalanta's parents started the race since they wanted their daughter out of the house.

At first, Hippomenes couldn't keep up, but then he had an idea. Hippomenes threw one of Dem apples just ahead of Atalanta and, sure enough, she couldn't resist and stopped to pick it up. He then pulled ahead of Atalanta.

She was quickly closing the gap when he threw the second and the third apple. Once again, Atalanta stopped to retrieve them.

She was gaining speed and they were neck and neck up to the finish line, but with the last ounce of strength he could muster, Hippomenes crossed the finish line barely winning the race.

Hippomenes won the race and Atalanta baked him a pie. He also figured he might as well hook up with Atalanta since she was such a good cook. Atalanta's parents were happy to get her out of the house and Aphrodite got half a pie. Cupid got out of the bounty hunter business, because it didn't pay much, and came up with an online dating service. The Greeks came up with that too. How do you like Dem apples?

Merry Christmas

The Blind Men and The Elephant

It was Tuesday evening and, as always, six blindfolded men got together to play pin the tale on the donkey. Because that's what people who wear blindfolds do. They made the fatal mistake of coming to the gathering already blindfolded. Because of that mistake, they ended up groping a large elephant. Who, in turn, lied to the blindfolded men by telling them he was a snake and they'd better back off.

The blindfolded men didn't have the first clue where you'd pin a tale on a snake, or the sense to remove their blindfolds, so they backed off.

The End

The Brahman, The Tiger, and The Jackal

This is a tale of money, pity, and hunger, but mostly money.

The Tiger was caught in a cage and asked a passing Brahman to set him free. The Brahman saw no harm in letting a hungry, wild animal lose, so he did as the Tiger asked.

The Tiger was indeed hungry and somewhat of a bully.
"Give me your lunch money." The Tiger demanded. "I'm hungry."
"I have no money." Replied the Brahman. "Where do you think I would carry it? Look what I'm wearing."
"Oh, a wise guy, huh?" Snapped the Tiger.
"Actually, I am a wise guy." Said the Brahman.
"Alright Brahman, I'll make you a deal. You go and beg, borrow, or steal some money, bring it back here and I'll let you go free." Said the Tiger.
So the Brahman went on his way to acquire the funds.

The Brahman first asked a tree, but the tree was broke. Two children were climbing on its limbs and they busted off. What have trees done for people as of late anyway? Nothin' for nobody.

So he asked his friend Bull for some cash. He was named after the bailiff on Night Court. Bull resented the name since it lacked creativity. Bull wished he had been named after more popular characters on other sit-coms, and wouldn't help the Brahman.


He then asked a road for money, and realized that's where you go to get rid of things, not find them.

All the while, Hansel and Gretel were lost and frightened in the forest, but that's not important to this story.

The Brahman then screamed his situation to the Jackal. The Jackal then told the Brahman,"I'll help you get out of this predicament, but it will cost you."
"Well, money is what got me into this mess in the first place." Said the Brahman. "I don't have any money, where do you suppose I'd keep it? Look what I'm wearing."
"I can see you're a wise guy," said the Jackal, "So, I'll do this pro bono."

Soon, the Jackal and the Brahman returned to negotiate with the Tiger.
"Well what do you want?" Inquired the Tiger.
"Don't you know that things in stripes belong in cages?" Queried the Jackal.

The Tiger didn't care for the Jackal's remarks, and figured he'd just eat the Jackal. But the Tiger agreed with the Jackal.

So the Tiger got back in his cage where he belonged, nobody had to pay money to anyone and they were non the wiser.

"You've got to have a tough sounding name if you want people to hire you as a private detective out of a phone book."

"The Time Machine Did It" John Swartzwelder P. 1

Law & Order: Trial by Burly

"Dead Men Scare Me Stupid" John Swartzwelder P. 48

"I propped it up in a chair, put slippers on its feet, and turned on a reading lamp, in case it suddenly was able to read."

"Dead Men Scare Me Stupid" John Swartzwelder, Pg. 100

"I spent the next three hours laboriously dragging my corpse down the street towards the hospital..."

"Dead Men Scare Me Stupid" John Swartzwelder Pg. 96

"...They never found me in good old Number 7."

"Dead Men Scare Me Stupid" John Swartzwelder P. 25

"...I had been hung by the wrong leg..."

"Earth Vs. Everybody," John Swartzwelder Pg. 82

Burly Bum

"Earth Vs. Everybody," John Swartzwelder, pg. 57.

Earth vs. Everybody

I recently finished reading John Swartzwelder's newest book "Earth Vs. Everybody." It's his fifth book about the ongoing adventures of Detective Frank Burly. Very funny. Unlike TBS, which for some reason will play movies like Saving Private Ryan and try passing it off as comedy.

Los Angeles California, the birthplace of me. Or, I got a new job and had to move.

I now look like this:As we were cruising south on Interstate 5 at a comfortable speed of 71 mph through the majestic landscape of Oregon, we were stopped at the California border and asked what fruit we were smuggling into the state. Just then, I noticed my skin began to darken and my hair suddenly became a healthy jet-black. I had the overwhelming urge to cover my luscious locks with a thick coat of pomade and my teeth looked like I had gargled with bleach. I think the transformation was the result of exposure to the California sun and the consumption of too many Wheat Thins.

It was at this moment I realized I would have to start pumping my own gasoline and paying sales tax again. The road then became a dangerous place for me to be on. I was so distracted by my new state of handsomeness, that I couldn’t stop looking in the mirror. Due to all the swerving and my slow pace, I decided it was in my family’s best interest to let my wife drive the remaining 14 hours of our 15-hour trip to Los Angeles.

We finally made it to our new little home nestled between the 405 and the I-90 freeways. It’s a quiet little place with all the comforts of home. The constant sound of the traffic above is as soothing as the ocean, there’s plenty of barrels for fires, lots of cans filled with fish bones, and concrete as far as the eye can see for our kids to play on. And it’s a steal at only $2,700 a month.

My wife was pretty tired after the long drive, so after she carried me into the house, we rested a bit before we began the arduous process of unpacking. Needless to say, we made it safe and sound and we’re ready to give California a try until the next layoff.

The View or My View?

Parody or Potty?

I've always been a fan of "Weird Al" Yankovic. Like so many competent professionals, he makes his job seem effortless. When listening to his music, you can't help but immediately think, "I can do that," which is exactly what my brothers, cousins, friends, and I attempt to do quite often. Over the years as popular songs and artists would release music we disliked, we would attempt to create our own parody of that song. I guess the intent was to try help others see the error in their ways for listening to such tripe. We would do this by imitating the artist and the way they sung and/or supply our own set of lyrics that usually included the name of our dog or simple potty humor. Not all songs fell under the category of ridicule, some just came about from what we happened to be watching on TV.

I'm afraid I can't take credit for these lyrics, although I wish I could. This was nothing short of pure inspiration conjured up by my brothers and cousins. The following lyrics are to be sung to the theme from The New Adventures of Winnie the Pooh (Which was always Transmitido en Español en SAP).



I gotta get up,
I gotta get goin'
I'm gonna see a friend of mine.
He's tall dark and ugly
I love him because he's just...

Raider, Tusken Raider,
The toilet seat's cold
Whoooooo...
And that was pretty much it, they never came up with lyrics for the rest of the song. Which is what usually happened with most of the songs. Other parody classics we came up with included:

"I'm in a Hurry to Wipe My Bum" (Parody of "I'm in a Hurry (And Don't Know Why)" by Alabama)

I'm in a hurry to wipe my bum oh I'm,
Poopin' poopin' til I'm all done.
All I really have to do is wipe and leave,
But I'm in a hurry and use my sleeve.

"The Poop Scoopin' Boogie" (Parody of "Boot Scootin' Boogie" by Brooks and Dunn)

Get down, turn around, go to town,
Poop scoopin' boogie.

All we really did to this song was change two words, but it now has a different connotation.

"Diarrhea" (Parody of "Mamma Mia" by ABBA)

Diarrhea, here I go again
My my, I sure have to take a poo.

Again, not much else went into coming up with other words to finish the song. And of course there's:

"If You Like Queen Amidala" (Parody of "If You Like Piña Colada" by Rupert Holmes)

If you like Queen Amidala,
And her big silver plane,
If you are into Yoda,
If you think Jar Jar is lame...

So yes, most of our experience as parody song writers were similar in theme, we simply used potty humor and some Star Wars references. Any other song that we tried to ad lib on the spot would just result in inserting different variations of our dog's name into the chanty. Needless to say, we weren't very good at parody song writing.

It's also quite ironic that I gripe so much about how much I despise blatant potty humor that seems to pop up in so many movies, yet it is the main inspiration of all our song lyrics. Maybe it's because there's so many things that can rhyme with words ending in, "-ee," and "-00."

Freelance or Sleeping with the Trilobites?

This was a spot of freelance that came my way recently. They're illustrations that will be used to educate elementary school children. They didn't give me too many details about what was going on, but this is what I can gather. Let's begin now:

This is Gerry, Gerry is a geologist, but not a very good geologist.This is another geologist, his name is Gerry too. He's a better geologist than the other Gerry. This is Pam, she's a paleontologist, she's also Gerry's accomplice and the one who ordered Gerry to "push the button."Gerry has decided to carry out the job "the old fashioned way," by stoning the other Gerry. These are the stones and the tools that Gerry will need to get the job done.
This is the hole that the carcass will be thrown into. Notice, Gerry has also chosen a remote location that no one is likely to find.
The stiff goes in here.
This is what the inside of a hole looks like. Once you've hit bedrock, that's deep enough.
Here is a close up of fossils that you might find in the hole. Take them with you, you might be able to sell them. Boom! You've just increased your pay-off.
Well, it's done.
Here are a wide variety of stones that can be used to carry out lapidation.
If you'd like to make your own stone, there are three simple steps. It may take awhile, so you need to get started right away.
This is Pam. She pays Gerry off with a giant dog biscuit.
She swears she won't say a word.
The End.