Law & Order: Trial by Burly

"Dead Men Scare Me Stupid" John Swartzwelder P. 48

"I propped it up in a chair, put slippers on its feet, and turned on a reading lamp, in case it suddenly was able to read."

"Dead Men Scare Me Stupid" John Swartzwelder, Pg. 100

"I spent the next three hours laboriously dragging my corpse down the street towards the hospital..."

"Dead Men Scare Me Stupid" John Swartzwelder Pg. 96

"...They never found me in good old Number 7."

"Dead Men Scare Me Stupid" John Swartzwelder P. 25

"...I had been hung by the wrong leg..."

"Earth Vs. Everybody," John Swartzwelder Pg. 82

Burly Bum

"Earth Vs. Everybody," John Swartzwelder, pg. 57.

Earth vs. Everybody

I recently finished reading John Swartzwelder's newest book "Earth Vs. Everybody." It's his fifth book about the ongoing adventures of Detective Frank Burly. Very funny. Unlike TBS, which for some reason will play movies like Saving Private Ryan and try passing it off as comedy.

Los Angeles California, the birthplace of me. Or, I got a new job and had to move.

I now look like this:As we were cruising south on Interstate 5 at a comfortable speed of 71 mph through the majestic landscape of Oregon, we were stopped at the California border and asked what fruit we were smuggling into the state. Just then, I noticed my skin began to darken and my hair suddenly became a healthy jet-black. I had the overwhelming urge to cover my luscious locks with a thick coat of pomade and my teeth looked like I had gargled with bleach. I think the transformation was the result of exposure to the California sun and the consumption of too many Wheat Thins.

It was at this moment I realized I would have to start pumping my own gasoline and paying sales tax again. The road then became a dangerous place for me to be on. I was so distracted by my new state of handsomeness, that I couldn’t stop looking in the mirror. Due to all the swerving and my slow pace, I decided it was in my family’s best interest to let my wife drive the remaining 14 hours of our 15-hour trip to Los Angeles.

We finally made it to our new little home nestled between the 405 and the I-90 freeways. It’s a quiet little place with all the comforts of home. The constant sound of the traffic above is as soothing as the ocean, there’s plenty of barrels for fires, lots of cans filled with fish bones, and concrete as far as the eye can see for our kids to play on. And it’s a steal at only $2,700 a month.

My wife was pretty tired after the long drive, so after she carried me into the house, we rested a bit before we began the arduous process of unpacking. Needless to say, we made it safe and sound and we’re ready to give California a try until the next layoff.

The View or My View?

Parody or Potty?

I've always been a fan of "Weird Al" Yankovic. Like so many competent professionals, he makes his job seem effortless. When listening to his music, you can't help but immediately think, "I can do that," which is exactly what my brothers, cousins, friends, and I attempt to do quite often. Over the years as popular songs and artists would release music we disliked, we would attempt to create our own parody of that song. I guess the intent was to try help others see the error in their ways for listening to such tripe. We would do this by imitating the artist and the way they sung and/or supply our own set of lyrics that usually included the name of our dog or simple potty humor. Not all songs fell under the category of ridicule, some just came about from what we happened to be watching on TV.

I'm afraid I can't take credit for these lyrics, although I wish I could. This was nothing short of pure inspiration conjured up by my brothers and cousins. The following lyrics are to be sung to the theme from The New Adventures of Winnie the Pooh (Which was always Transmitido en Español en SAP).



I gotta get up,
I gotta get goin'
I'm gonna see a friend of mine.
He's tall dark and ugly
I love him because he's just...

Raider, Tusken Raider,
The toilet seat's cold
Whoooooo...
And that was pretty much it, they never came up with lyrics for the rest of the song. Which is what usually happened with most of the songs. Other parody classics we came up with included:

"I'm in a Hurry to Wipe My Bum" (Parody of "I'm in a Hurry (And Don't Know Why)" by Alabama)

I'm in a hurry to wipe my bum oh I'm,
Poopin' poopin' til I'm all done.
All I really have to do is wipe and leave,
But I'm in a hurry and use my sleeve.

"The Poop Scoopin' Boogie" (Parody of "Boot Scootin' Boogie" by Brooks and Dunn)

Get down, turn around, go to town,
Poop scoopin' boogie.

All we really did to this song was change two words, but it now has a different connotation.

"Diarrhea" (Parody of "Mamma Mia" by ABBA)

Diarrhea, here I go again
My my, I sure have to take a poo.

Again, not much else went into coming up with other words to finish the song. And of course there's:

"If You Like Queen Amidala" (Parody of "If You Like Piña Colada" by Rupert Holmes)

If you like Queen Amidala,
And her big silver plane,
If you are into Yoda,
If you think Jar Jar is lame...

So yes, most of our experience as parody song writers were similar in theme, we simply used potty humor and some Star Wars references. Any other song that we tried to ad lib on the spot would just result in inserting different variations of our dog's name into the chanty. Needless to say, we weren't very good at parody song writing.

It's also quite ironic that I gripe so much about how much I despise blatant potty humor that seems to pop up in so many movies, yet it is the main inspiration of all our song lyrics. Maybe it's because there's so many things that can rhyme with words ending in, "-ee," and "-00."

Freelance or Sleeping with the Trilobites?

This was a spot of freelance that came my way recently. They're illustrations that will be used to educate elementary school children. They didn't give me too many details about what was going on, but this is what I can gather. Let's begin now:

This is Gerry, Gerry is a geologist, but not a very good geologist.This is another geologist, his name is Gerry too. He's a better geologist than the other Gerry. This is Pam, she's a paleontologist, she's also Gerry's accomplice and the one who ordered Gerry to "push the button."Gerry has decided to carry out the job "the old fashioned way," by stoning the other Gerry. These are the stones and the tools that Gerry will need to get the job done.
This is the hole that the carcass will be thrown into. Notice, Gerry has also chosen a remote location that no one is likely to find.
The stiff goes in here.
This is what the inside of a hole looks like. Once you've hit bedrock, that's deep enough.
Here is a close up of fossils that you might find in the hole. Take them with you, you might be able to sell them. Boom! You've just increased your pay-off.
Well, it's done.
Here are a wide variety of stones that can be used to carry out lapidation.
If you'd like to make your own stone, there are three simple steps. It may take awhile, so you need to get started right away.
This is Pam. She pays Gerry off with a giant dog biscuit.
She swears she won't say a word.
The End.

I'm It.

I have been "tagged" by several people in the past, but don't really know what that means. I didn't care for the questions that were asked, so I decided to come up with my own.

Things That Bug Me:

1. When people lick their fingers to turn pages in books.
2. When people talk during movies, bring babies to movies, eat smelly hot dogs during movies, or leave before the credits are over.
3. The smell of vinegar and pumpkin.
4. In the movies when one person starts to clap, then two, then three, and suddenly everyone is applauding.
5. When people eat ice cream off a spoon, leave a mound of it on the spoon, and then finish it.
6. Papyrus Font

Favorite Supermarket Aisles:

1. Laundry detergent aisle.
2. Bread aisle.
3. Cereal aisle.

Least Favorite Supermarket Aisle:

1. Dog food aisle.

Favorite Non-Video Games:

1. Pit
2. Connect 4
3. Set
4. Boggle
5. McDonald's Monopoly

Least Favorite Non-Video Games:

1. Monopoly
2. Monopoly Jr.
3. Monopoly the Mega Edition
4.Chutes and Ladders (It never ends.)

Least Favorite Foods:

Anything that ends with, "-slaw," "-loaf," "-role," "-ish," or "-ushi."

Favorite Tire Brands:

1. Michelin
2. Good Year
3. Pirelli

Favorite Saturday PBS Programs:

1. The New Yankee Workshop
2. America's Test Kitchen
3. The Woodwright's Shop

Best Whining in a Leading Roll:

1. Luke Skywalker - Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope
2. Daniel Larusso - The Karate Kid
3. Dr. Gillian Taylor - Star Trek IV The Voyage Home
4. Willie Scott - Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
5. Randy Parker - A Christmas Story

Dream Job:

1. Host The Price is Right.

The One Christmas Gift I Wanted, but Didn't Receive This Year:


Well, there you have it. If you'd like to be tagged, knock yourself out...consider yourself "it."

Freelance

This was a bit of freelance that came my way last week. These were done for the Shakespeare play Comedy of Errors that is playing here locally. They wanted the backgrounds to be in a Warner Bros./Maurice Noble style. The WB cartoons, Deduce You Say and Drip Along Daffy were used as the reference for style and color. My buddy, Fred Gardner, designed and drew the layouts, and I painted them along with Scott Fassett. They then projected the images onto a screen which serve as the backgrounds for the play. I thought it was a pretty cool idea.

The image above was painted by Scott, and I painted the images below.

Keeping Busy of Waiting?

I broke the old Nu-Pastels out (HAHAHAHAHA, get it? Because they break and they're old because I've had them for awhile, but they're also nu, because of the brand, but not spelled like new...sigh, anyway) the other day whilst I play the waiting game, and decided I'd try to do some head studies. I spent about an hour on each of these.

Out With the Old or In With the New?

Since it is the beginning of the new year, I've decided to post the happenings of the holidays up to the present day. We began the holiday months by spending a quiet Thanksgiving at home, and let me tell ya, the good folks at Del Taco out did themselves once again.

We started off the Christmas holiday by being laid off from my job. Just before Christmas, the studio I worked for decided to pull the plug on our project which sent me into the realm of unemployment. Between putting together portfolios and trying to find a job, I now pass the time listening to the Mamma Mia soundtrack and putting Legos together. The highlight of my day is checking the mail, which usually contains 20% off coupons to Bed Bath and Beyond. The other highlight of my day is watching Cash Cab on the Discovery channel. It hasn't been all humdrum and glum. We didn't let this setback keep us from enjoying the season. Since money is a little tight, we had to be a bit inventive with our gift giving. Luckily for us I have been doing a bit of inventing, which mostly consists of me duct taping flashlights to different things. I also decided to just return items that we've borrowed from others over the years. This year, I gave my mom back her spatula but with a brand new flashlight taped to it. My dad got a new Blue Ray player this year, so I gave him back his Ambervision glasses.
And I gave each of my brothers a new Norman Rockwell calendar. Our insurance company sends us one each year, so I just gathered the ones we've collected from years past, scratched out the old year, and put 2009. I also threw in a few 20% off Bed Bath and Beyond coupons for them.

We spent New Years with friends playing the Nintendo Wii. They got a new game called Wii New Years, so we just played that all night.

Well, out with the old and in with the new. We had a good year. It was a bit rocky towards the end, but we're optimistic for what's to come.

Whoops

I drew this awhile back and thought I'd turn it into a little story.

Colors Sketches

A few weeks ago I borrowed a Ninentdo DS and over a weekend, I did these sketches using a painting program called Colors.





My daughter even took a stab at it.

Drawing Under the Influence

My brother sent me this blog awhile back and it has some great reference of people "driving" their cars. It's interesting to see how the motor cars match the personalities of their conductors. Although, it's kind of frightening to see what people do and look like while driving. What's even more scary is to think there's a nut out there taking pictures of us.

Living Life or Procrastination?

Our Typical Saturday or All in a Saturday's Work?

At our house, Saturday is the day that we run all our errands, since the rest of the week is filled with us unwilling to leave the house.

Every Saturday, I like to treat my family to a nice breakfast. So we were off to The Marriott, where we enjoyed their continental breakfast. We're fortunate to live close to an area where there are several hotels in the vicinity. It gives us variety and it also helps with raising suspicion with the other hotel chains. After we filled our stomachs and our pockets, we fled the premises as the hotel manager chased us with a torch and pitchfork. He bid us farewell with the usual cursing and something about the cops, but we figure he says that to all his guests. Customer service is a sign of a good establishment, that's why we give them our business.

Then it was time to go to the library. Like my brother says, "You're never poor when you have a library card." Well, since my card was revoked, we just sit outside and watch others walk out with their bags full of media in hopes that someone might drop something. When we did have a card, I used to go to the reserved section and just take things that others had put on hold. That's how I was able to read all the Harry Potter books before most of the other library patrons. I guess you're not supposed to do that and it's cause for card revocation.

By midday we were pretty hungry again and we were running low on fuel, and there's no better place to fill your gullet and your gas tank, than at Costco. It's nice, because the parking lot lines are double wide, which makes it easier to siphon. Then it was inside to take advantage of the free samples. We slipped by the guy in the wheelchair checking membership cards and roamed every aisle, eating to our hearts content. It was a smörgåsbord of delicatessens. Pizza bites, fish sticks, chicken nuggets, cheese, crackers, and little smokies. It's like Chuck-A-Rama without the elderly. We don't like to do all our shopping at Costco, but there are certain items we like to get in bulk, like toilet paper. So we raided the restrooms and we were out the door.

You know, it wouldn't be a Saturday without a trip to our nearest home improvement center, so we hit the freeway to pick up our final odds and ends. Pickin's weren't too bad, we were able to salvage several ladders, two semi soiled mattresses, and assorted bungee cords.

We ended the day by relaxing in front of the TV and watched the end of the games of the XXIX Olympiad. That didn't last long since our neighbor caught us peering through the venetian blinds at their TV with our binoculars. Luckily, the houses where we live are really close together, so we simply went to the other window and had to settle for watching the 2008 Roofball World Championships. It's basically like watching the Olympics, but without Bob Costas.