Once there was a smart aleck Sphinx who sat on top of a giant rock and made weary travelers who wanted to enter the city of Thebes answer a riddle. If they couldn't answer the riddle, she would eat them. She thought she was pretty funny. 
The people of Thebes, on the other hand, didn't have much of a sense of humor. Mostly because they were hungry and they were too frightened to leave their city.
One day, a man by the name of Oedipus was traveling the road to the city of Thebes. The guards saw him coming, and although they were highly trained in advanced weaponry and could easily thwart off the Sphinx, they decided to just stand there and watch. Unlike the rest of the townspeople, the guards thought it was funny when people got eaten. Mostly because it wasn't them.
As Oedipus approached the rock, the Sphinx swooped down from the sky. Alighted on her rock, she posed the riddle to Oedipus. "What are three silhouettes you can place in a cloud bubble?"
Oedipus thought about it as she closed in for the kill.
Just as the Sphinx was about to strike, he answered, "A man."
This is Atalanta when she was young. She loved to hunt, but she was never any good at it. So her parents encouraged her to hunt apples since they didn't move all that much. Atalanta would only hunt "Dem" apples, because they were the best apples in all the land. Much better than Fuji or Gala apples.
As Atalanta grew, she found that she was much better at baking pies, Dem apple pies to be precise, but there was a problem. There was a shortage of Dem apples since Atalanta was constantly hunting apples, baking pies, and keeping them all for herself. By the way, Greek's came up with apple pie. This made everyone mad that she wouldn't share. Atlanta then told her parents she would race anyone for Dem apples and if she lost, she would bake and share her pies. Atalanta's parents didn't really care at this point. They were sick of her complaining and just wanted her out of the house.
This is Aphrodite, the goddess of love. Love for Dem apple pie that is. There's one problem though, she can't bake "Worth" beans. "Worth" beans were the best beans in all the land, regardless; beans just don't taste good in pies. All she does is sit on top of Mount Olympus and get mad at people who were better than her. She was especially mad at Atalanta since she was winning every race, baking Dem apple pies, and not sharing with anyone. So Aphrodite hired Cupid the bounty hunter to go find someone who could beat Atalanta in a race.
This is Hippomenes. He's tall, smart, and one of the few likely candidates that could win Atalanta in a race. Oh, did I mention he also loves Dem apple pie? There was one problem; he didn't have any of Dem apples to enter the race with. Cupid told Hippomenes that Aphrodite would supply the apples if he ran the race for her. He further told him if he won, she would split the winnings with him fifty fifty. Hippomenes agreed to the proposition, but Cupid doesn't take crap from nobody, and shot him with one of his mind-altering serum tipped arrows.
Hippomenes went to see Aphrodite who gave him three of Dem apples so he could enter the race.
Atalanta's parents started the race since they wanted their daughter out of the house.
At first, Hippomenes couldn't keep up, but then he had an idea. Hippomenes threw one of Dem apples just ahead of Atalanta and, sure enough, she couldn't resist and stopped to pick it up. He then pulled ahead of Atalanta.
She was quickly closing the gap when he threw the second and the third apple. Once again, Atalanta stopped to retrieve them.
She was gaining speed and they were neck and neck up to the finish line, but with the last ounce of strength he could muster, Hippomenes crossed the finish line barely winning the race.
Hippomenes won the race and Atalanta baked him a pie. He also figured he might as well hook up with Atalanta since she was such a good cook. Atalanta's parents were happy to get her out of the house and Aphrodite got half a pie. Cupid got out of the bounty hunter business, because it didn't pay much, and came up with an online dating service. The Greeks came up with that too. How do you like Dem apples?
It was Tuesday evening and, as always, six blindfolded men got together to play pin the tale on the donkey. Because that's what people who wear blindfolds do. They made the fatal mistake of coming to the gathering already blindfolded. Because of that mistake, they ended up groping a large elephant. Who, in turn, lied to the blindfolded men by telling them he was a snake and they'd better back off.
The blindfolded men didn't have the first clue where you'd pin a tale on a snake, or the sense to remove their blindfolds, so they backed off.
The Tiger was caught in a cage and asked a passing Brahman to set him free. The Brahman saw no harm in letting a hungry, wild animal lose, so he did as the Tiger asked.
The Tiger was indeed hungry and somewhat of a bully.
The Brahman first asked a tree, but the tree was broke. Two children were climbing on its limbs and they busted off. What have trees done for people as of late anyway? Nothin' for nobody.
So he asked his friend Bull for some cash. He was named after the bailiff on Night Court. Bull resented the name since it lacked creativity. Bull wished he had been named after more popular characters on other sit-coms, and wouldn't help the Brahman.
All the while, Hansel and Gretel were lost and frightened in the forest, but that's not important to this story.
The Brahman then screamed his situation to the Jackal. The Jackal then told the Brahman,"I'll help you get out of this predicament, but it will cost you."
Soon, the Jackal and the Brahman returned to negotiate with the Tiger.
The Tiger didn't care for the Jackal's remarks, and figured he'd just eat the Jackal. But the Tiger agreed with the Jackal.
So the Tiger got back in his cage where he belonged, nobody had to pay money to anyone and they were non the wiser.
"Dead Men Scare Me Stupid" John Swartzwelder, Pg. 100
I recently finished reading John Swartzwelder's newest book "Earth Vs. Everybody." It's his fifth book about the ongoing adventures of Detective Frank Burly. Very funny. Unlike TBS, which for some reason will play movies like Saving Private Ryan and try passing it off as comedy.
